Why Saying Sorry Is Hard for Many and How Getting It Right Can Transform Your Life

It might not be obvious at first, but discovering that apologizing is a real challenge often happens later in life. For me, it was during my college years when I began noticing this struggle. Growing up, my family’s way of communicating was pretty standard for us, but when I stepped into new social circles, I learned something surprising — I really disliked admitting when I was wrong. Whether I snapped at my roommate over something small or let an assignment slip through the cracks, owning those mistakes was an uphill battle. Even seeing clearly that I’d hurt someone or messed up didn’t make it easier to say 'I’m sorry.'

Reflecting back, I realize that apologizing wasn’t a typical part of my family’s daily interactions. The phrase 'I’m sorry' was rare, especially with my parents, who seldom admitted fault. When they lost their temper or said something hurtful, accountability was notably absent. This lack of an apology culture didn’t go unnoticed by me. Without parents demonstrating when and how to apologize properly, the few times I uttered those words were usually with frustration or tears, often pushed by my siblings. Sadly, these moments didn’t cultivate a healthy relationship with apologizing.

Learning to apologize properly later on has made me see how much my upbringing influenced my relationship with these words. Psychologists confirm that I’m far from alone in this experience. The inability or reluctance to apologize often stems from what we saw in childhood, but the good news is it’s a habit anyone can change with time and effort.

A popular saying goes, 'More is caught than taught.' This means kids absorb more from watching others than they do from direct instructions. If saying sorry feels foreign to you, it’s likely because you didn’t hear it regularly at home either. Apologizing isn’t something we’re born knowing how to do — it’s learned. Many people struggle because they grew up where parents never modeled conflict resolution or taking responsibility, making apologies seem unusual or uncomfortable.

Part of overcoming this habit means releasing deep-seated fears tied to humility. For example, some people grew up in environments where mistakes were shamed and met with punishment or rejection. Instead of learning to apologize, they adopted defensive tactics like making excuses to protect themselves from looking weak or failing. Apologies might’ve felt like surrendering power or admitting fault in a way that was unsafe or threatening.

It’s also possible that apologizing feels like losing control or power, especially if you grew up in a place where your choices were limited or where vulnerability was seen as a flaw. For some, showing this kind of openness can be downright scary. Apologizing involves exposing yourself to the risk that the other person might reject or dismiss your apology, which can be an intimidating prospect. This fear can discourage many from even trying to apologize, complicating relationships further and sometimes causing more distance or tension.

We often think of apologies as something we give to others, but they can actually benefit us just as much. When you genuinely apologize, it helps the other person feel heard and validated. But it also teaches you compassion and humility, helping you grow into a more understanding and less defensive person.

Empathy is the cornerstone of resolving conflicts. You might not always understand why someone is upset or how your actions affected them, but the key is recognizing that their feelings are valid even if you saw the situation differently. Apologizing lets someone know that you care about how they feel and that you want to create a safe space for them to share themselves openly.

Building the habit of apologizing regularly can send a powerful message that you are willing to own your behavior and work toward better relationships. This isn’t limited to romantic partnerships; it’s true for family members, roommates, coworkers, or anyone you interact with regularly. Apologies show respect and priority for the relationship itself, above the need to be right.

When parents apologize to their children, it sets an invaluable example showing it’s okay to make mistakes and that taking responsibility is part of healthy growth. This dynamic also holds true in adult relationships. Parents who admit when they’re wrong can strengthen bonds with their grown children, just as siblings who share apologies can enhance lifelong connections.

In romantic relationships, regular apologies aren’t just polite; they are vital. Couples who practice apologizing tend to develop deeper trust and grow together more effectively. Apologies are a key ingredient in nurturing emotional intimacy and mutual respect.

One of the most crucial steps in becoming comfortable with apologizing is learning to forgive yourself first. Many people find it difficult to say 'I’m sorry' because they never learned to show themselves compassion when they mess up. Recognizing that everyone makes mistakes and giving yourself grace is a powerful foundation for offering sincere apologies to others.

Try to truly put yourself in the other person’s position. Think about how your actions might have affected them emotionally. For instance, if you forgot to tidy up after being asked and your partner had a stressful day, consider how coming home to a messy space might have felt. Admitting where you slipped and showing a genuine desire to make things right can make a big difference. It’s about demonstrating care for more than just fixing the problem — you’re showing that you value their feelings and your relationship.

Avoid falling into the trap of viewing conflicts as simple 'right vs. wrong' scenarios. Often, what needs apology isn’t about being malicious but about how your actions impacted someone else. You could be joking around or forgetful, but the consequences matter more than intent. Acknowledging that your behavior hurt someone doesn’t mean you intended harm, just that you want to respect their feelings and mend the situation.

When it’s time to make amends, take a moment to reflect on your role in the conflict. This means stepping back to process your feelings and understanding the other person’s emotions, too. Apologizing can challenge your ego, but reminding yourself that the discomfort is temporary and the positive effects can last far longer helps keep you motivated.

During disagreements, it’s important to respond thoughtfully rather than lash out. Conflicts escalate quickly when we react impulsively or defensively. Instead, practice active listening—take in what the other person is saying, ask questions to clarify, and share your perspective calmly using 'I' statements. This approach reduces tension and opens the door for more productive, compassionate conversations.

Remember, the goal of apologizing isn’t necessarily immediate forgiveness. The real aim is to rebuild trust and create a stronger connection over time. Sometimes the other person may need space or time to heal, and that’s okay. Offering an apology itself builds a bridge toward intimacy and understanding, demonstrating courage and vulnerability rather than weakness.