Separated From Family? How Creating a 'Chosen Family' Christmas Can Bring Comfort and Connection

When my long-term relationship ended, and I found myself without the usual festive plans, the thought of spending Christmas alone filled me with anxiety. I hadn’t been with my biological family for a couple of years, and without my partner to share the day with, I was overwhelmed by loneliness and uncertainty. The idea of sitting isolated while others gathered with their families felt unbearable, even though I knew from personal experience that family Christmases can often bring more stress than joy.

I wondered if others were feeling this way too—alone during a season supposed to be about togetherness. It turned out I wasn’t the only one. This realization led me to create what I now call a 'Waifs and Strays Christmas'—an effort to unite people who, for whatever reason, don’t spend the holiday with their biological family. This includes those estranged from their families, people living far from home, and anyone simply wanting a different way to celebrate or avoid solitude during the holidays.

'Waifs and Strays Christmas' looks different for everyone involved. Some embrace the holiday spirit fully, decorating with trees, enjoying mulled wine, and sharing a festive meal, while others opt to ignore the day's significance altogether. Sometimes, it’s a space for openly discussing the pain of family relationships, and other times, the topic is deliberately avoided to focus on the joy of being together.

The true heart of this gathering is creating community for those who might otherwise spend the day alone or dreading the holiday. It’s a blend of people who find Christmas a challenging time for various reasons and those who are simply curious about celebrating differently and inventing new traditions that better fit their lives.

One major reason people might spend Christmas apart from their families is due to estrangement—a more common situation than many realize. According to Women's Spot research, about one in five families has experiences of estrangement, either with someone cutting contact or being cut off. This results in a significant portion of people knowing someone who no longer interacts with their biological family.

The holiday period can magnify the difficulties estranged individuals face. Christmas is socially depicted as a time for familial love and bonding, which contrasts sharply with the realities some endure—perhaps haunted by traumatic memories from past gatherings or excluded from family traditions that no longer feel safe or welcoming.

Moreover, if you’re the one who chose to end contact with family members, feelings of guilt often intensify around significant occasions like Christmas. Questions might arise about whether reconciliation was possible, if old wounds could be healed, or if choosing distance was the right decision. These reflections are not unique to the holiday season but often become more acute during times set aside for looking back and forward.

Estrangement isn’t the only reason people seek alternative ways to celebrate Christmas. Many who have loving relationships with their families also yearn for something different. When I first announced I’d be hosting a 'Waifs and Strays Christmas,' I was surprised by how many people expressed admiration for the idea—even those close to their families.

Some wished to celebrate with partners, friends, or even just by themselves, creating a holiday that felt authentic to them rather than obligatory. Yet, many felt trapped by expectations and a sense of duty to spend the day with their biological family, which kept them from following their own desires.

While loyalty and sacrifice for loved ones are valuable qualities, there’s something liberating and heartening about treating the holidays as a time to celebrate all kinds of meaningful relationships—whether with family by blood or those we choose to call family. This viewpoint echoes ideas presented by writers and psychotherapists like Sophie K Rosa, who encourages expanding our definition of family to include anyone who nurtures our wellbeing and happiness.

By doing so, we can create holiday experiences that support everyone’s emotional health and personal growth, not just those fitting traditional family molds.

During my first 'Waifs and Strays Christmas,' my expectations of a lonely and sad holiday were completely overturned. Instead, I enjoyed weeks filled with simple pleasures: sharing nostalgic drinks, going for invigorating walks, watching films, and cooking meals with a diverse group of people—some long-time friends, others new acquaintances. These gatherings brought together people of different ages and backgrounds, creating a rich exchange of stories, laughter, and warmth.

We opened up about our complex family bonds, shared feelings of loss and hope, and together imagined new holiday traditions that better reflected our realities. Christmas Day itself was spent cooking, watching movies, and walking alongside a group who all consciously chose to spend the day with 'family' they had created for themselves. It felt deeply healing to transform a day I had previously dreaded into one filled with joy and compassion.

This upcoming holiday season, my schedule remains full with a similar mix of events planned before and after Christmas. Many connections have come through invitations I put out early in the month, leading to plans involving dinners, movie nights, cocktail gatherings, and outdoor walks. Some participants are new faces; others familiar friends who reached out after hearing about the concept.

Interestingly, this Christmas, I’ll be spending the day with an ex-partner—now a valued friend—and his family. People often react with curiosity, asking if we’re rekindling our relationship or questioning the choice itself. But to me, this choice symbolizes the fluidity of relationships and the freedom to define family on your own terms. It’s a wonderful reminder that family can be chosen and reshaped throughout our lives.

It’s undeniable that holidays can be a difficult time if you’re estranged from or distant to your biological family. Society often pushes the message that no matter how challenging the relationship, you should miss and yearn for those family ties. Yet, this pressure can add to the pain and loneliness many experience.

At the same time, there’s a powerful and joyful opportunity in choosing a different path. Creating connections with others—whether longtime friends or new companions—and crafting a holiday that truly fits your life can unlock deep satisfaction and a sense of belonging.

Such celebrations encourage us to rethink what family really means and challenge the notion that everyone must fit into a particular mold. When you choose who you celebrate with, you’re prioritizing relationships that support your wellbeing and happiness rather than those defined solely by biology or obligation.

Since sharing the idea of a 'Waifs and Strays Christmas' publicly, I’ve heard from many people looking for similar community. It’s encouraging to see this concept growing into a meaningful tradition—a way for people whose lives or family relationships don’t align with conventional holiday portrayals to find the joy, connection, and care everyone deserves during the festive season.

So if you find yourself facing the holidays without your biological family or craving something different than the usual rituals, remember that it’s not only okay but wonderful to carve out a new kind of celebration with the people who truly matter to you.